Tellu Tellarite
(When Pigs Ski!)
The more I learn about the universe, the more I realize just how much of a sense of humor the Great Fanged One must have. To exist, beings, at least carbon based ones must have, oxygen, liquid water, nourishment and a safe environment. For this "gift" of existence, they are required by the Great Fanged One to do only one thing, produce a replacement being for themselves or as it was written, "Go and increase". According to "logic", although Doctor Selar might disagree, ANY activity not related to this edict is wasted effort. It seems however as one goes up the Ladder of Life, the more "distractions" there are to carrying out this command. Ignoring the activities aimed at securing the means to exist, water, food, shelter, etc. Many activities would seem to be wasted energy. I must confess, I have and do indulge in some of those activities as do all the beings I know and without them I would now be sitting in the grass of Ferasa waiting for my next meal to wonder by. But, some of those beings and the activities they follow, do come under the heading of just plain illogical!
"Just look at it Commander!", Gerve exclaims with a sweeping gesture of his hand, "Isn't it magnificent!" This trip is one of the rare times both Gerve and I are off FI-9 at the same time. We have just materlized in a plaza in the capital city of New Colorado to attend a conference on mine safety. I am lost in thoughts of concern about leaving Doctor Selar in charge of my station and Gerve has to repeat what he said before I realize he is speaking. Not understanding what he is referring to, seeing just a modern city, I ask, "What isss magnificent Commanderrr? One Human city looksss much like another to me." "Not the city! The mountains! Look at those beautiful snow capped peaks!", Gerve gushes, "I'm glad I brought my skis." I do not understand what "skis" are however, even though Ferasa is a temperate world, there are places where frozen water falls from the sky. Having experienced the feeling of cold, wet feet that this snow gives, I like most felines are less than enthusiastic about it. "I can't wait to hit the slopes!", Gerve continues. More confused than before I ask, "Hit ssslopes with what Commanderrr?" As we make our way to our planet-side quarters, he explains. Like many long term "visitors" to Earth, he became interested in some aspects of Human culture while he attended Star Fleet Academy in San Francisco. While sightseeing with a group of cadets, he discover the odd human activity of sliding down snow covered mountains on narrow rails strapped to the feet. Gerve spoke with some pride when he explained in how he and another cadet, an engineering student designed the mechanisms called "bindings" that held the rails to the feet. He explained the usual bindings were designed for feet with toes but Tellarites feet are hooved so an entirely new mechanism was needed.
"We WILL have a little time for things other than the conference, Won't we Commander?", Gerve asks with hope sounding in his voice. My crew IS the best in Star Fleet, YES I KNOW, EVERY Commander feels that way about those that serve under him, so I like to indulge them whenever possible. The main reason we were invited to the conference is our experience with Kzinti Miners. With the Patriarchy showing signs of a willingness to open up to the rest of the galaxy, there is great interest in what they are like and what accommodations have to be made for them. "I do not think we will need to ssspend ALL ourrr time at conference.", I answer as Gerve grunts with happiness
After getting settled in our rooms, I check the conference's schedule. It will last seven days and we are not mentioned until late in the week! When I inform Gerve of this he says, "Good! Even some time to get you on skis Commander!" Shocked, I reply, "Oh no! You are not getting me ANYWHERE nearrr that frozen water!" "Come on Commander, with your feline agility and sense of balance you would be a natural! Although like me you will need special bindings for your digigrade feet."
Both Gerve and I attend the opening ceremonies. Afterward, Gerve hurries away, saying something about a ski shop and bindings. As I am exiting the auditorium, I stumble over something. Looking down I see a large piece of rock. "I am sssorry!", I begin, "I did not sssee you there." "Its ok, I'm use to being stumbled over.", the rock says with a sigh, "I hope I didn't injure you!" "No I am fine.", I answer as I look closer at the rock, "You are Horta are you not?" "Yes, my name is Igneous and you are a Caitian correct?", the rock replies. "Yesss, I am Commanderrr D'Sefet.", I say. "Of Federation Installation Nine?", Igneous inquires, "I was hoping to get an opportunity to meet with you informally! Those Kzinti miners sound magnetic." "I was on my way to hunt forrr sssomething to eat. You are welcome to accompany me.", I invite. "HUNT?!", Igneous replies, sounding a bit concerned, "Where?!" "I thought I would ssstart in hotel.", I begin as I think I see the Horta becoming nervous, then add, "At rrrestaurant." "Oh!", Igneous says, sounding relieved, "Please Commander! I have yet to understand even HUMAN humor!"
We have a leisurely meal as I try and answer Igneous' questions. I dine on Kentucky Fried Chicken and the Horta on rocks. AS we finish our meal, I say, "You ssshould come visit FI-9 sssometime." "That would be sparkling!", Igneous replies, "Is there a good and bad time for a visit?" "Only bad time ISss when Kzinti are eating!", I say. "MORE Caitian humor Commander?", Igneous questions. "NOT completely.", I answer truthfully.
After I leave Igneous, I spend sometime exploring the city and then as the hour grows late, I return to quarters.
Gerve is out even later. When he returns he is carrying a large package. "Here Commander, try these on.", he says as he opens the package, extracts a odd looking piece of equipment and places it on the deck. I go over to where he is and he says, "Just slide your foot in here." "What are these?, "I question. "Digigrade Ski Bindings Commander.", Gerve answers. "I told you Gerve! Felinoidsss do NOT like to be in frozen water!", I say even as I slip my foot into the binding. "WELL SOME species with digigrade feet DO! These are stock items at the ski shop!", Gerve informs me. He has me lean to the right, then to the left, then forward and finally back while he checks the bindings and asks me how do they feel. They are tight but NOT uncomfortable is the way I describe them. Finally satisfied, Gerve says, "They seem to support your ankles well. Tomorrow we will go to the ski shop and get you some boots." "I HAVE bootsss Gerve!", I protest. "NO Commander you can't ski in your uniform boots! You need ski boots!", he instructs. "Thisss ssseems like lot of trouble to go through to go from top of mountain to is base!", I complain. "PLEASE Commander! Make JUST one run down the Beginner's Slope with me! If you hate it I will NOT bother you again!", Gerve pleads. Thinking back to ALL the odd things I have done with my crew, from sleeping high in the branches of a tree to chasing ghosts, his request does not seem strange so I say, "All rrright Gerve, I will ski where no Caitian has skied before!"
Early the next morning Gerve and I visit the Ski Shop where I get fitted with Ski Boots that look like they are made from the same material Federation Armor is made from and a pair of skis with poles. The shop also has a Holoroom so Gerve and I spend a little time in there where he tries to teach me to ski!
We run a program called 'Kiddie's Slope', which is suppose to be the easiest level. I quickly find out it IS NOT! To my surprise, this skiing is harder than it looks! The first thing Gerve did was to wax the skis to make then even more slippery. I slip my boots into the bindings and immediately the skis begin their voyage down the mountain. I on the other hand fall backwards landing on my tail! Gerve rushes over to me and seems happy that the bindings performed as they should by detaching me from the skis! After helping me to stand and retrieving the skis he instructs and drills me on the basics of down hill skiing. Finally my skis do go down the mountain with me attached! And after three more 'runs', Gerve is confident I am ready for the real mountain. I am not sure I share his opinion!
There are a couple of events I think we should attend so day three of the conference is a 'WORK' day for Gerve and I. After checking with me to make sure there are no conflicts, Gerve schedules us for an afternoon session of skiing the next day.
Day four dawns bright and clear. The sun striking the snow capped mountain peaks makes them sparkle like gems. After one more session in the Ski Shop's Holoroom, Gerve and I make our way to the slopes. We ride on what is called a Chair Lift to the top of the mountain, the view from there is impressive and a bit intimidating even though this IS the Beginner's Slope. There are adults here but most are with kits, teaching them to ski. It appears only Gerve is trying to teach another adult to ski! I 'strap' on my skis and use my poles to remain upright, for a second or two. THEN as one ski goes one way and the other does NOT follow, DOWN I GO, on my tail! My 'dance' amuses some of the others around us. It has also amused Gerve although he tries to hide it as he helps me to my feet, "Sorry Commander! Remember to cross the tips of your skis! AND use your poles!" Soon it is our turn to go down the mountain, with me in the lead, we begin. About half way down the slope, just as I think I am beginning to understand the mechanics of skiing, something happens and I end up with a mouth full of snow! Gerve again helps me to my feet and after making sure I am alright and retrieving my skis, we continue our journey to the base of the mountain.
We spend some time at the base sitting and watching others, many kits successfully reach the bottom of the mountain. "I'm sorry Commander.", Gerve begins as we watch another group of Kits slide past us. "For what?", I ask. "For making you come skiing with me.", he answers, "I can see you hate it as much as I love it!" "I thought you knew me betterrr Commanderrr.", I begin, "First, NO ONE forcesss Caitian or Felinoid forrr that matter to do ANYTHING he doesss NOT want to! At least no SANE person! This skiing is ssstrange Human activity and I thought trying it might help me to understand Humansss betterrr." "But I see the embarrassment in your eyes and ears every time you fall! As you watch children successfully making it down the slope.", Gerve observes. "Everyone falls sssometime Commanderrr. Any REAL embarrassment would come IF I did NOT get back up and try again! NOW, Caitiansss are also stubborn! Let usss get back up to top of the mountain and try to ssslide down WITHOUT falling!", I say as I rise and reach for my skis. Gerve grunts has approval as we get in line for the Chair Lift. We made a few more runs and I did NOT fall on any of them! Gerve DID though!
Most of the day of day five of the conference is taken up with events and meet ups I think we should attend but after night-meal Gerve talks me into a night ski run. Skiing by torch sounds interesting so I agree. The sight is impressive, every skier is given a light to carry or wear as they slide down the slope. We are again on the Beginner Run, I had enough trouble on it in the day and I did NOT feel upgrading to a more difficult run at night a wise idea!
We wait to begin our run behind a Human female and her two kits, one male and one female. The male is pulling something black and leathery out of has pocket and eating it. I do not know what it is but it looks and smells VERY unappetizing! Seeing me looking at him the kit smiles and asks, "Want some licorice kitty?" I politely thank him and refuse his offer.
About half way down the slope we have to stop because another beginner in front of us has fallen. Before we can resume our run, I hear a rumble, looking up the slope I see what is called an avalanche begin. Gerve sees it too and says, "Come on Commander I think we can out run it!" I notice some others near us that have the same idea but, I do NOT think I can! Instead I start for the side of the run where there are some large trees. "Come on!", I command Gerve. We reach the trunk of a large tree just before the snow reaches us. My instinct as a felinoid is to climb high into the branches but I know my Tellarite friend can not do that! "Grab tree!", I command, Gerve obeys. I reach around him, not an easy task on a Tellarite, and dig my claws into the bark of the tree just as the avalanche engulfs us. For what seems like forever we are surrounded in a cold, wet, thick, suffocating white blanket of snow. Then it is over! For a second there is a deathly silence then I hear a female begin to scream! "Are you all rrright Gerve?", I ask my unmoving First Officer. "I . . . I think so Commander! You?", he replies. I am cold AND WET! Both conditions NO feline likes but I answer, "I am well." The interaction of snow with tree had done what I had hopped it would, leaving us standing in a hollowed out place in the down hill snow flow. I estimate between three and four feet of new snow now covers the slope. Using my claws I climb up the tree until I am on the new surface and then help Gerve out. Before he grabs my paw, he taps his Com Badge and says, "Emergency! Avalanche!" and gives our location. As I get him to the surface I hear someone answer his call.
There is chaos on the slope! Where there are skis protruding from the snow there are people digging! Knowing how the skis are designed to come off in a violent fall, I wonder if anyone is still attached to them. There is the human female screaming, "My babies, my babies!", and pointing at the snow. Gerve and I hurry to her. Gerve noting where she is pointing goes to the area and begins to dig. "NO Gerve! SssMELL!", I yell. "What Commander?", he replies, not understanding. I know a Tellarite's sense of smell is almost as good as a Caitians so I answer, "Use yourrr nose! Humansss smell differently than sssnow!" Understanding, Gerve gets down on his hands and knees, sticks his snout in the snow and begins searching. Every skier is required to wear a PLB (Planetary Locater Bacon) and when the Ski Patrol arrives they will be able to find buried people in seconds BUT they have NOT arrived yet! The PLB also emits a high frequency audio signal for the canines the Ski Patrol uses. Knowing Both Gerve and I can also hear those signals, I grab the female by both shoulder and get her to be silent! I then go to the area where the female was pointing and began listening and smelling too.
"FOUND SOMETHING!", I hear Gerve yell. I see the human female run to where he is and begin frantically digging. I do not go to him though because just as he yelled I smelled something! Not a human sent but, the smell of the black, leathery food the little male human was pulling out of his pocket and eating! I then hear the PLB he had hanging around his neck and hoping it is still in the same location, I begin clawing at the snow! I am joined by an adult human male, he asks, "You got something?" "I think there isss human kit here!", I answer. Before the human begins digging he motions to others and yells, "OVER HERE!". With every clawfull of snow the sound grows louder and then my claws strikes something hard! The PLB! Thankfully still around the kit's neck. I rush to uncover the kit's mouth and head as the human uncovers the rest of him. I do not think he is breathing as I paw him up to waiting arms.
The human male climbs out of the hole and then helps me out. Others are already working on the kit and I see that the Ski Patrol is now on the scene and seem to have everything under control. Gerve walks over to where I am standing and as he rubs his nose, trying to warm it he reports, "The girl is ok Commander, what about the boy?". Before I can answer, he coughs, flails his arms and begins to cry. "I think that isss good sssign.", I answer. I AM EVEN COLDER AND WETTER THAN BEFORE! My arms are beginning to ache and my claws hurt although examining them, they seem undamaged. Gerve manages to locate all of our equipment and with the Ski Patrol now here we decide to finish our trip to the bottom of the slope. Seeing us getting ready to leave, one of the Ski Patrol comes over to us. "Uh can I get your names before you leave?", a human female asks. "Of course Gerve answers, "I am Lieutenant Commander Gerve and this is Commander D'Sefet of Starfleet. We are here for the Mining Conference." The female seems to know about the conference and were it is located after getting our room number she says, "Could we get you to come to our office tomorrow and make a formal report?" "Of course!", I answer, "We will be happy to!" She thanks us, we walk to where the slope is stable and Gerve and I finish our run.
A few hours later Gerve and I are in our quarters, I have FINALLY gotten dry and warm however, my fur is a tangled disaster! As I try and do something with it, Gerve is stretched out on his bed.
"Commander, can I ask you something?", Gerve begins. "Of course Gerve! What?", I reply. "How did you know to tell me to use my sense of smell to locate the girl?", he questions. "Gerve you MUST alwaysss rrremember sssomething! We may live with, look and act sssomewhat like Humansss BUT WE ARE NOT HUMANSss! They call usss Animal-Humansss forrr good rrreason! Allow your human ssside to watch over your animal ssside BUT never let human tame animal! Rememberrr when Captain Kirk was sssplit into two separate beingsss, one good and the other described as 'evil' in that Transporterrr accident. It was found that 'evil' ssside was just as important to complete person asss good side.", I answer. "I know you are right but, it is hard to trust the animal! Sometimes, at night, after a hard day, I can hear him in the dark recesses of my mind, loudly squealing in anger and digging at the earth in frustration! He scares me!", Gerve confides. "I know, I hearr rrroars in night asss well! BUT if we had only ourrr 'Human' ssside to rrrely on, two human kits might not be alive tonight!", I say, "By way, how isss yourrr sssnout?" "I finally got it thawed!", Gerve answers with a grunt as he rubs it.
Today, day six is our big day at the conference! Before it starts for the day Gerve and I go to the Ski Patrol Office and make our formal reports. After being told what others had reported we had little more to add. We were happy to hear that thanks to the quick action of the people on the slope, there were no deaths and that all injured were already out of Sick Bay.
We then hurry to the conference. Gerve and I enter the main assembly hall and find it filled to and beyond capacity! I let Gerve handle the introductions and give the audience an over view of the mining operation at FI-9. After he finishes he introduces me, "Now to inform you about our Kzinti Miners, Commander D'Sefet!" "Thank you Commanderrr.", I begin, "I have heard that Humansss say, one image isss worth a thousand descriptionsss (Very Close Sef, One Picture is Worth a Thousand Words.) so hologram must be worth twice that!", I say as I walk down from the stage and set a piece of equipment Jacobs put together for me on the deck, "I doubt any of you have everrr ssseen Kzinti Kzintosh so I would like to introduce you to Federation Installation Nine'sss Kzinti, Chief of Security, Security-Chief!" I step back and activate the device. The crowd gasps as a life size hologram of that male Kzinti appears. "I believe thisss says EVERYTHING I could sssay about Kzinti so I will open up meeting forrr questions.", I say.
"Is that hologram life-size and what range of sizes do Kzinti come in?", Is my first question, from a Horta in Igneous' delegation. "Most Kzinti males are around nine feet tall. Security-Chief is nine feet, three inches tall so yesss the Hologram IS life-size. However most Kzinti Minersss I have met tend to be little under the nine foot mark. I guesss to accommodate cramped space they work in.", I answer.
"You call this one Security-Chief and you say he IS your stations's Chief of Security.", a Vulcan begins, "Doesn't he have a name?" "Kzinti are NOT named at birth and unlesss they perform some great, heroic, deed, theirrr name isss their job. Forrr example leader of miners I deal with is called Head Miner. However among themselves, they use and answer to what Humans call 'Nick Names'. Forrr example, I have heard onesss being called, Black Face, Dirt Scratcherrr and Rock Eaterrr. My apologizes to our Horta guests forr last one!", I say as laughter ripples through the crowd, "They seem to even except Nick Names from humansss. Most of time my Chief Engineerrr rrrefers to Security-Chief as "THAT WALKING ORANGE HAIRBALL". Although I would NOT rrrecommend Human calling or giving Kzinti Nick Name until they get to know them!"
"I have heard Kzinti are undisciplined, volatile and down right dangerous!", A Human comments. "First NO one working dangerous job like mining can be undisciplined and expect to live long! I think ANY miner will agree with me on that! Asss far as being volatile and/orrr dangerousss, I have found them no more so than Klingons I have encountered. I believe there isss Human 'Golden Rule' that goesss, treat others like you would want them to treat you. I find thisss good advice when peacefully interacting with ANY life-form!", I instruct.
I answer MANY questions and as the meeting nears the end someone asks, "Bottom line, do Kzinti make good miners?" "Kzinti take pride in ANY job they do and derive great deal of sssatisfaction in job well done. On top of that, they know that doing good job will count positively toward theirrr sssome day getting name. SO YESss, Kzinti make good minersss, ditch diggersss, pilotsss, and EVEN Chiefsss of Security!", I answer, ending our formal presentation.
The meeting does not end, many want to get a closer look at Security-Chief's Hologram and there are MANY more informal and personal questions to answer.
"Can I have your attention please!", the voice of the Conference's organizer interrupts, "I don't know how many of you are skiers but you might have heard about the avalanche that happened last night. Thanks to the quick actions of two of our guests, although people were buried by the snow, no one died. I have three people that want to thank Lieutenant Commander Gerve and Commander D'Sefet!" As all watch, the Human female and her two kits from last night appear.
The female rushes to Gerve, wraps her arms around him and begins to cry. Gerve like me has never had a mate and I expect, he has no idea how to respond. I see the panic in his eyes! Fortunately she regains her composer in a moment or two. Unfortunately by then both of the Kits have followed their mother's example and have wrapped their arms around his legs! "How can I ever repay you Gerve?", she asks, still holding on to him and looking into his eyes. "Uh . . . I mean we . . . COMMANDER!", Gerve answers in panic as he looks toward me. "We are Starfleet officersss, we are sssworn to protect Federation and its citizensss in ANY way we can. We rrrequire no more rrreward than to know you and your kits are well.", I explain but it does little good to improve Gerve's situation. "Why don't you take us out to eat and we can talk more?", The female asks as she hugs him. Feeling a bit devilish I say, "Go ahead Gerve, I think I can handle sssituation here." The human female takes Gerve by the hand and leads him away, followed by her two kits as someone in the crowd comments, "They make a fine looking family!" Gerve's return to our quarters is VERY late!
Today is the final day of the conference! About the only event we will attend is the closing ceremony that is being held first thing this morning. After that, we plan to spend one more night at the hotel and leave for FI-9 in the morning. Of course this leaves the afternoon and evening free for skiing! Gerve IS in what I once heard a Human say, "HOG HEAVEN!". Even with the memory of the avalanche fresh in his mind he can not wait to "Hit the Slopes!". He begs me to join him, assuring me that avalanches are rare occurrences. Finally I relent but tell him to go ahead and that I will meet him on the slope. This trip has been educational. One thing I have learned is there is more than one way to get from the top of a mountain to the base!
Some of the options include skis, avalanches AND "A Snow Board Commander?", Gerve exclaims as I find him on the Beginner's Slope. "Yesss, I think thisss is betterrr way forrr me to get down mountain.", I explain. "I don't think they are allowed on the Beginner's Slope Commander.", Gerve says. "I KNOW they are not but, all along I have noticed yourrr ssskiing ssskills are farrr above beginner and I know you did not go to more advanced slopes because of me. Well I tried thisss board at Ski Shop on intermediate ssslope and only fell once ssso why not sssee if I am as good on rrreal thing!", I ask. Gerve smiles and grunts happily as we make our way to the more difficult slope. I was correct, NOT having your two feet trying to go in two different directions at once IS a better and FASTER way to get down the mountain! By our evening session, Gerve has a Snow Board of his own!
We bid a fond fair well to New Colorado the next morning and soon we are back on FI-9 which I am happy to say is JUST as I left it! More or less. Oh yes, I kept my Snow Board, DO NOT tell Gerve!
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